Bloody Hell Myf Your memory is good - obviously better than the hearing!!! Now you come to mention it, I do remember the wild child from hell whinging and whining all day long. My God I was losing the will to live, and put me off kids for quite some time!!! Oh what fun we used to have at work, pity we had to stuff sausages all day. But we did have some bloody good laughs didn't we? Shame we got the sack. I think that was your fault if I remember rightly, but they managed to get rid of me at the same time. Bloody waste of space managers … wankers the lot of them! Am I allowed to say that? Hahahaha. Suppose I can, they can’t sack me twice!!!! So, it’s been another lovely day. Did think about doing some gardening. It was only a thought though and it soon disappeared. I went and had a coffee instead. Did think of having a brandy but thought I might look like an alcoholic at that time in the morning, and being as you weren’t with me I thought better of it! Was just thinking. Was it after the sausage factory that we headed off abroad to do work in that casino as croupiers? God I couldn’t count up in thirteens and I’m sure they were just pulling my leg. Just a bloody excuse to let us go! We have had some fun with our jobs, haven’t we Myf? Glad it’s a bit more sedate now, can’t do with too much excitement these days. Mind you, we still have our moments when we're out together, don't we? Love, I have to send you text messages ‘cause you just fog over and look at me as if you ain’t got a clue what I’m on about. Well to be honest I don’t think you have most of the time, so I will have to keep on messaging you just to wake you up! Well I’m off, too much drivel going on here. Dinner beckons - Shepherd’s pie tonight. Tatties are a boiling now so just managed to fit you in! Gotta go, speak soon. Love from your short fat hairy friend Morwenna x #sausagefactory #stuffingsausages #gotthesack #casino #croupier #coffeeandbrandy
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My Dear Morwenna How lovely to hear from you, I do love reading your little notes. So much better that the cryptic messages you keep leaving me on Facebook. I mean, what’s that all about – “can you hear me?”. Of course I could bloody hear you. I know my hearing’s a bit iffy but I was sitting next to you! I must say your spa day sounded horrendous, I thought they were meant to be relaxing? You do have to wonder why people like that actually go out – seems she was just expecting to be disappointed by everything, talk about bring it on! You know Mor, I was doing a bit of reminiscing the other day and I had to laugh. Do you remember that woman we worked with at the Sausage Factory – can’t remember her name but she used to shave off her eyebrows and then pencil them back on. She always got them a bit too high though and had a permanent look of surprise on her face – that’s it, that’s what we called her, Surprise!! Well, do you remember the day she brought her kid into work? He was a right whingeing little sod! I don’t think I can really be blamed for what happened to him though. I mean I only gave him that wind-up toy soldier to shut him up. I thought he was playing quite happily with it when it all went quiet. How the hell was I to know that the silly little sod would put the thing on his head? I certainly didn’t expect the mechanism would suck up his hair like that though. The bloody row he made was deafening. Trouble was, you couldn’t turn those things off so we had to wait for the mechanism to wind-down!! But the worse bit was when Surprise had to cut the soldier off the kid’s head. I mean, wouldn’t you think she would have had the common sense to level off the boy’s hair rather than send him to school looking like that? It's no wonder the other kids laughed at him. It looked like a bloody landing strip right down the middle of his head – bit like a reversed Mohican! Oh God we did laugh didn’t we Mor? Well my old love, better go and start peeling potatoes. Talk soon, lots of love Myf #toysoldier #sausagefactory #pluckedeyebrows #permanentlysurprised #mechanicaltoys Well hello you old bugger, Myf - how the devil are you? I think ye,s a good idea to send a little letter now and again. This texting malarkey is ok but very short and sweet and you can’t really get your teeth into a good old conversation. What with your hearing not so good these days my texting habits are ok when your sat next to me and you can’t bloody hear, but for a long loving conversation a letter is the way to go! So, yoga yeh it was good. Blimey I didn’t realise you could hear my flatulence - it was rather epic. I thought I could hear it bouncing around the lampshades!! Hey, that may be just the way to go to get rid of excess wind though - do a bit of downward dog!!! Trouble is getting back up and don’t want my nose getting too near my rear end! Your tribute band sounded good, but do you know when I read it I thought it said tribal band. I thought what the @@@@ is she getting into now!! I have to say I could imagine you running round in tribal gear, face painted and beating a drum. I did think about you having feathers in your hair, in fact a really very fancy head apparatus, but then remembered you hate feathers so that wouldn’t work. But that brought me back to the present moment and realised you meant tribute!! Hahahaha that will teach me to stop going off on one! Me, I’ve been to a spa which was an eye opener. Oh boy, got behind two rather curvy ladies (I’m being kind when I say curvy) any who, getting back to the ordeal, they were booking in and one was the mouth and the obvious spokesperson, who clearly had it in for the lady behind the desk before she even had opened her eyes that morning. Oh my lord, she was in one, complain, complain, complain … what a negative horrendous human being. Personally I’d have kicked them out right there and then - she wouldn’t give her gift card to pay for the day because, in her words, “There may be more things I need to complain about during the day, so I’m not paying yet!” Flaming Norah! They had faces like slapped arses. We never really saw them again after they had a little swim in the pool and went off for a treatment. God help the therapists with that task, mind you wish I’d been a fly on the wall hahaha. They didn’t come up for lunch, perhaps they were locked in a cupboard somewhere never to be seen again! So, this weather is a bit wild, don’t like the wind much. I have to say, plays havoc with the wig and I have to keep rearranging my face, so be glad when all calms down it’s just too stressful to keep sorting the body out. Well enough for now, I will be seeing you soon but needed to get that off my chest first! Must dash, my coffee is getting cold. Love from you ever suffering friend, Morwenna xx My Dear Morwenna I feel we’ve let our correspondence lapse a bit so don't you think it’s about time we got a grip and started writing to each other again? I know we see each other quite a lot and use all this new-fangled technical stuff and text, but it’s not the same is it? I look forward to your letters, they’re so nice and newsy and so full of crap sometimes. So what have you been up to lately? Anything I should know about? I’ve not done much; to be honest I don’t like the winter and tend to stay in me dressing gown. But I did go out last week and went see a tribute band. Remember the Eagles? Well this tribute band, Illegal Eagles they were called, played all their music and were brilliant. Mind you, I’d had a few drinks before I got in there so they could have been shite really! But oh my, the rest of the audience was so old, can’t believe old people like The Eagles. Just shows really that we still have things to look forward to when we get old. I must say it was a good idea of yours to go to a yoga class yesterday. I will admit though I really only went for the meditation – thought I could have a bit of a snooze. I did worry a bit about your bowels during the Downward Dog. It seems the older you get the less you’re able to control your wind, but fortunately you picked a spot at the back of the hall so there was no-one behind you to get a face full. But the noise did ricochet off the walls a bit. I wonder if the teacher will let us back in. Well love, I had better go and do something amazing in the kitchen - God knows what though. I get sick and tired of thinking of things for dinner every day don’t you? Takes hours to get something ready and they all wolf it down in minutes – like bloody pigs at the trough! I look forward to hearing from you soon. Lots of Love Myfanwy xxx #yoga #downwarddog #technology #text #wind #tributeband #theeagles #letters #myfandmor #myfanwyandmorwenna Well Hello My Dear Myfanwy God it’s been so long, I thought you had dropped off the planet!!! Of course I will forgive you but your turn to pay next time we are out for a wee drink, and perhaps a bite to eat. It’s worrying that stuff that's been going on in your head, at your age you must be careful and take it a bit more easy! The heat OMG, it’s been horrendous. I’ve had rivers flowing down from between my boobs, the feeling of being soggy and sweaty is not an attractive look, just can’t stand it; and the thunder bugs, those little shits, yep they get in everywhere and yes everywhere! Well you do live it up - Nando’s! So which way do you want your Chicken madam? Grilled, fried or boiled, hahahaha, then smother it in some sort of sauce which tastes much the same, or scalds you mouth and you lose your taste for the next three days, yes best give it a miss next time. The state of some of the younger generation, well it really does make you wonder what are they thinking. Wearing hardly anything and what they do wear don’t fit the places they are supposed to … what a sight! It’s like the ones who obviously don’t wear any knickers and their arse cheeks are rattling round like two ferrets in a paper bag! Well you can’t help but look, it’s incredible. Never seen such movement from the rear end. Mines fading away - could do with a couple of rather large Bramleys in my pants to look a bit perky! Oh dear yes the school kids, the shops will not be the same for the next few weeks, and I have to say there is a different class of shopper in Sainsbury’s than you get in Waitrose. Oh I do wish people would cheer up, fed up with miserable people, walking around like they chewed on a lemon, sour faces, what is it with people these days??? Well not much has been happening round here, even the window cleaner ain’t been to cheer me up or get me excited. Oh God, forget that he’s just arrived!!!! So must be off - he may need a nice cold drink or something, and I could be gone some time! Take care old bean, if I don’t surface in a few weeks give me a shout … may need rescuing or resuscitating more to the point! Bye love, must dash Your every faithful friend Morwenna xxx #ferrets #twoferrets #heat #thunderbugs #windowcleaner #myfandmor My dear Mowenna I am so very sorry love, I have so neglected you lately – will you forgive me? No real excuse either except that I’ve been a bit distracted recently and a lot going on in my head. How are you coping in this heat? It’s a bloody nightmare, isn’t it? Even more so when you’re already sweating like a bloody pig at the best of times. I’m spending most of the day chasing the shade round the garden. But it’s not just the heat, it’s those bastard little black flies that stick to your sweat, crawl up your nose and in your ears. In fact, the sods get into all the crevices. God knows how many of the little buggers I’ve swallowed this week. And as for the ants – Jesus Christ we are just overrun with the little fuckers. I went in a Nandos the other week – have you been in one? I thought it would be something quite special because them on Facebook keep boasting about eating in Nandos like it’s some fancy place up the West End. But I have to say I was not over-impressed. The food was ok but nothing special – just 30-billion things to do with a chicken. The other thing with this heat – do you find it makes your facial hair grow quicker? Christ, I’m having to give my face a good pluck every day at the moment. Oh and the sights you see when the sun comes out and it seems the hotter it gets, the more is exposed. Why oh why do they insist on showing all? Now I have my fair share of flesh, but I do not feel the need to put it on display to the world and his wife. I mean, would you go out looking like that that? So the kids have broken up from school round our way. It’s good in one way cos I can get out the end of our road in the morning and get where I need to be in good time without getting caught up in the never-ending stream of precious little darlings being driven to school by mummies and daddies who are already pushed for time and think it’s their right to be in front of me. What’s wrong with the precious ones actually walking for a change? The downside to the school holidays is that they are everywhere. Running riot in the shops, screaming and bloody shouting at the tops of their voices. Yeah, I know I should be more tolerant but this sodding heat does not help with patience, does it. Gawd, I’m having a good old moan today. It’s time we had a night out Mor, bring a bit of fun back – what do you say? I could do with a gallon of cold Prosecco right now. Talking of which, the sun must be over the yardarm somewhere so I’ll get the gin out I think. Better go and see to some dinner too – it won’t be a fucking chicken that’s for sure. Take care love and speak soon. Lots of Love Myfanwy xxxxx #flies #heat #heatwave #hot #nandos #schoolsout #sights #myfandmor
Well hello you old bugger, I was wondering where you had gone. Sleeping I thought or probably hitting the gin bottle again and didn’t bother to invite your old mate round!!! Hey you, what's all this about throwing myself at the guards? I’ll have you know they fall at my feet - hahahahha. But yeh, you're right I always get the gorilla woman, bloody scary if you ask me. So your still having trouble with the Twat in the Hat, send him on a mission or even better get him a job as a secret shopper, that will put paid to that one! Getting hairy, lord that’s a little scary. Hope you’re not turning into a gorilla woman, I will hardly recognise you next time we meet. Best get that shaver going, you can’t be doing with stubble and I'm not coming too close to find out either. Have to say I’m beginning to get the odd one now and again, but bugger me they sprout from nowhere and they are two inches bloody long and, to add fuel to the fire, they are like wire!!!! Well, I have to share this one with you. You remember the other week when we met up and went for a sandwich, and that girl had those enormous holes in her ears and you asked if they hurt? Can you remember (I know you’re getting a little forgetful these days)? Well, I was chatting to a friend the other day about tattoos and the like and the holes in the ears came up. We had a giggle about what it would look like when you're ancient and the holes are like bloody great loops hanging from your ears. Well, we came up with the solution and get this - when you’re getting on and the boobs become slightly less elasticated (droopy) and when you take off your lederhosen (shoulder boulder) bra and your tits fall to your belly or even worse your thighs, then here's the solution. You simply pop your nipples into the holes in the ears and hey presto instant boob job, sorted! Sitting upright and well supported!!!! Hope you got your Tena Lady on cos I guess you're pissing yourself right now! Well must be off, things to do and people to upset. Love ya Morwenna xxx #earpiercing #boobjob #facialhair #holesinears #myfandmor
Dear Morwenna Sorry love, it's been a while since my last letter but bloody hell, where does the time go. I must just say that you really do have to stop throwing yourself at the security guards in the airport. Those guys are not going to frisk you. They are on look out for much younger flibbertigibbets who have firmer bodies and are still quite pert. They will simply hand you over to the Gorilla Women and you'll most likely end up having a cavity search! Be warned because that will not be pleasant. So what news do I have - well the Twat in the Hat is still stalking the local shops doing price comparisons and then regaling the unsuspecting listener as to where the best bargains are to be had. He ought to get a spot on that Martin Lewis programme about money - apparently he can help you save a fortune. Shame he doesn't bloody well save us a fortune. You know Mor we haven't had a good night out in ages, have we. Mind you, we do have a couple of things coming up soon which I know we'll make the most of. We've got a coffee date with that nice young man. Coffee my arse. I'm not wasting my time with a nice young man drinking coffee and I'm sure you won't. Mind you, I will have to keep my eye on you to make sure you're not dribbling, you make such a bloody mess all down yourself. Really ought to start preparing myself now I think. I tell you what though, I got that many sodding hairs growing out my chin now that it takes me an hour just to pluck me face before I can be seen in public. What the fuck is going on? I think me pubes are growing up on me insides searching for daylight and sprouting out me face. I'll be invited to join the bloody circus soon. Is this happening to you? Now I understand why me Nan was so prickly when she kissed me. Jeez, I don't like this at all Mor, not at all. Well better go now love and get some dinner going. Not sure what I'll do yet, but I'm sure the fridge is stacked to the gunnels with special sodding offers! Take care love and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Lots of Love Myfanwy xxx #beardedlady #cavitysearch #facialhair #frisked #gorillawomen #pricecomparison #twatinthehat #myfandmor
My Dear Myfanwy Oh Lord, why on earth did we come home? We had such a good time away, plenty of food, good weather, drink (opps suppose I’d better not mention the drink). God my arms were sore carrying all that booze from the duty free shop. Was worried we would get stopped and thrown into prison or worse! Mind you I would enjoy being man-handled!!!! Was so disappointed I never got frisked at the airport, would have been the thrill of the holiday. However, it’s ok if it a tall dark stranger, but God those woman are like gorillas!!!! Hands like bloody shovels, and faces that look like they could crack any window within a few feet! Oh dear, love my arse, it does let me down from time to time. Gattling gun hahahaha - they were rolling down my legs like marbles. Problem is once I start I can’t stop, as you have discovered, but hey ho better out than in and I don’t think too many people heard! If they did I’d blame you anyway … Sounds like you’re having a right old time since you been back. The Twat in the Hat and the mindless drivel, it’s enough to bore a glass eye to sleep. It’s not been much better round here I have to say. My highlight was the window cleaners again this week - thank God they come every four weeks, bloody highlight. Well a girl has to have some eye candy, trouble is I make so much mess on the insides, they look horrendous. Talking of eye candy, flaming Norah, those security guards on the boat trip were well tasty. I could see your tongue hanging out when that Greek God passed, rippling muscles to die for and that tight little cute arse in those rather tight black trousers ... oh Lordy Lord! Chuck a bucket of water over me right now, I’m becoming all unnecessary!!!!! Baby you were dribbling!! Not a good glamour look, especially in your hat and sunglasses looking oh so “Audrey” - will get you a bib next time. Well suppose it’s good to reminisce, keeps the juices flowing. What else do we have to look forward too, eh? It’s quiet round here, fidget and widget are sleeping, worn themselves out today. New neighbours so they have had to investigate everything, running up and down the bloody garden like headless chickens, scared they're going to miss something. And him in doors giving a running commentary on the goings on … ffs leave me be I really don’t want to hear it. I was trying to read me book and kept reading the same bloody line 20 times over, till I knew it off by heart! Dear lord, give me strength … considering digging up the patio and putting him in it! Well, Fanny I’d best be gone. I’m getting all maudling and feeling sorry for myself, so off to pour a rather large one, have a soak in the tub and daydream of warmer climates. So with nothing else to report, I’m off. Speak soon With love from your ever suffering friend with alcohol withdrawal Morwenna x #cutearse #frisked #greekgod #muscles #securityguards #runningcommentary #myfandmor
Dear Morwenna Jeez, what pissing weather to come back home to. After such a brilliant week away, I’ve come back down to earth with a sodding great bump. I do wish you could get your farting under control a bit more. That poor bloke, no wonder he never spoke to you – the stench alone would have rendered him speechless. Remember the night we walked into the Old Town? Honestly Mor, you was like a bloody gattling gun going off all the way down the hill. Just a well you didn’t let rip in the hotel – the Germans would have dived for cover. Must admit I’ve not done too much since we’ve been back. He has not stopped talking since I got home, bloody mindless drivel. Who sodding cares about the price of bananas at Waitrose compared to Sainsburys compared to the market. Ye Gods, I do lose the will at times – I’m surprised he’s managed to stay alive this long to be honest. He’s bought himself a new hat for the summer! It’s like a Panama but not the real thing of course. But he wears it in the most peculiar way, it’s kind of perched right on the top of his head. I tell you, one gust of wind and it’ll be gone – best you don’t pop round for a while!!!! Anyway, talk about the Twat in the Hat – it’s bloody hard not to laugh. He gets the right hump if I mention the angle of the hat – I’m not going out with him if he insists on wearing it like that! I’ve managed to potter about a bit in the garden and put some new plants in. But even putting a few plants in a pot is a bloody fiasco in this house. I got a tray of lovely fuscias, that deep purple and pink colour, and the Twat in the Hat decides he’s going to help. What does he do? Drops the bloody tray on its head and breaks all the sodding flowers off! Anyway, I planted them in the hopes that they’ll flower at some point this year but we’ve now got a trough full of headless bloody plants. Then I turn around and the sodding cat is digging down to Australia in there! FFS!!!!!!! Honestly Mor, I think I need to go away again. That’s about all the news I have at the moment. We really do need to get a bit of excitement going soon. Speak soon, Lots of Love Myfanwy xx #farting #shopping #gardening #plants #fuchsias #talking #twatinthehat #myfandmor
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Myf & MorTwo mature ladies (using that word loosely) growing old disgracefully and finally realising that the "F**k It" attitude is probably the best one to have. Archives
September 2019
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