Dear Mor So sorry to hear about your piles, it must be agony having a bunch of grapes hanging out of your arse. Don’t you think it’s time you went and got them surgically removed? I must tell you this. The other day I was in the kitchen preparing dinner and suddenly needed a wee. You know what I’m like with my bladder nowadays, when I need to go I need to go!! Anyway, nipped into the loo and blimey I was desperate. You know what it’s like when you can get your knickers down quick enough and then I collapsed on the toilet just in time. But then I hit the roof. Those lazy bloody bastards in this house can’t even manage to put a new toilet roll on the holder and someone had left just one bloody sheet flapping away on the roll. Honestly Mor, is it that bloody difficult to put a new roll on? I don’t ask for much but as I was already on the loo and flowing like Niagara bleeding Falls before I realised. I really saw red. So, I snatched the one sodding square and tried to mop up as best I could. And then it started. First of all, a warmth started down below, and it kept getting warmer and warmer. It really started to burn, and I couldn’t understand why – I’d only been for a wee. It got so bloody hot I had to go and wash it!! Then it dawned on me – I’d been in the kitchen chopping onions and chilli peppers and when I looked on the packet the bloody Twat in the Hat had only bought Red sodding Hot Chilli Peppers. Fucking hell Mor, talk about the burning bush – I was on fire. I could have done with a couple of firefighters and their hoses to put the flames out. Lesson here has to be wash your hands before having a wee as well as after!! Anyway love, have to go cos I need to wee again. Lots of Love Myf xxx
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Good day to you Myf It’s been a while, but hey good things are always worth waiting for, so I know you will be delighted to hear from your dear old friend today. Now now, the post mortem thing was so fascinating that I’ve been stuck to the book and didn’t look up for days. So much so that when I did my bloody joints had seized up and I could hardly move. And to top the lot I had piles - you know haemorrhoids, not piles of other stuff. They were hanging down like a bunch of grapes! Bugger me what pain, need to get some of that Germaloid cream and try and push them back up!! Wonder if you can still buy those rubber rings to sit on, could do with one. Didn’t you use one once and have you still got it? Enough of my problems. I can hear you saying FFS Mor get a grip hahahah. So how the devil are you? How's the Twat in the Hat? You have gone a bit quiet on that one, have you buried him under the patio? We're away for the bank holiday weekend. I’m trying to write this letter and himself is giving me a running commentary on the TV. God I can bloody hear it, just because I’m writing to you don’t mean my ears don’t work…..agggggggh!!!!!!!!!!! Speaking of hearing have you made an appointment yet? I can’t be doing with texting you all the time when we are on holiday next, my fingers are getting worn to the bone! Gotta go, kettle's boiling so time for a coffee. Love, your ever suffering friend Mor x #piles #haemorrhoids #ointment #germaloid #bunchofgrapes |
Myf & MorTwo mature ladies (using that word loosely) growing old disgracefully and finally realising that the "F**k It" attitude is probably the best one to have. Archives
September 2019
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