Dear Mor So sorry to hear about your piles, it must be agony having a bunch of grapes hanging out of your arse. Don’t you think it’s time you went and got them surgically removed? I must tell you this. The other day I was in the kitchen preparing dinner and suddenly needed a wee. You know what I’m like with my bladder nowadays, when I need to go I need to go!! Anyway, nipped into the loo and blimey I was desperate. You know what it’s like when you can get your knickers down quick enough and then I collapsed on the toilet just in time. But then I hit the roof. Those lazy bloody bastards in this house can’t even manage to put a new toilet roll on the holder and someone had left just one bloody sheet flapping away on the roll. Honestly Mor, is it that bloody difficult to put a new roll on? I don’t ask for much but as I was already on the loo and flowing like Niagara bleeding Falls before I realised. I really saw red. So, I snatched the one sodding square and tried to mop up as best I could. And then it started. First of all, a warmth started down below, and it kept getting warmer and warmer. It really started to burn, and I couldn’t understand why – I’d only been for a wee. It got so bloody hot I had to go and wash it!! Then it dawned on me – I’d been in the kitchen chopping onions and chilli peppers and when I looked on the packet the bloody Twat in the Hat had only bought Red sodding Hot Chilli Peppers. Fucking hell Mor, talk about the burning bush – I was on fire. I could have done with a couple of firefighters and their hoses to put the flames out. Lesson here has to be wash your hands before having a wee as well as after!! Anyway love, have to go cos I need to wee again. Lots of Love Myf xxx
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Good day to you Myf It’s been a while, but hey good things are always worth waiting for, so I know you will be delighted to hear from your dear old friend today. Now now, the post mortem thing was so fascinating that I’ve been stuck to the book and didn’t look up for days. So much so that when I did my bloody joints had seized up and I could hardly move. And to top the lot I had piles - you know haemorrhoids, not piles of other stuff. They were hanging down like a bunch of grapes! Bugger me what pain, need to get some of that Germaloid cream and try and push them back up!! Wonder if you can still buy those rubber rings to sit on, could do with one. Didn’t you use one once and have you still got it? Enough of my problems. I can hear you saying FFS Mor get a grip hahahah. So how the devil are you? How's the Twat in the Hat? You have gone a bit quiet on that one, have you buried him under the patio? We're away for the bank holiday weekend. I’m trying to write this letter and himself is giving me a running commentary on the TV. God I can bloody hear it, just because I’m writing to you don’t mean my ears don’t work…..agggggggh!!!!!!!!!!! Speaking of hearing have you made an appointment yet? I can’t be doing with texting you all the time when we are on holiday next, my fingers are getting worn to the bone! Gotta go, kettle's boiling so time for a coffee. Love, your ever suffering friend Mor x #piles #haemorrhoids #ointment #germaloid #bunchofgrapes My God Morwenna I'm worried about you. What's all this bloody nonsense about Post Mortems? You can't seriously be thinking about moving into that sort of stuff - are you?!!?? All that delving about in people's innards doesn't bear thinking about. And the smell - Jeez. Don't expect me to join you in this one - never gonna happen. Must say Mor, I'm not on peak form at the moment. Don't know what the bloody hell is wrong with me but seriously can't be arsed with anything. Do you think we need a little get-together? Possibly a bit of shopping, how about clubbing? Maybe we need a holiday. Think about it Mor, we could both use an injection of something - and I'm not talking Botox here!!!! Anyway love, must go because I think I need a little nap. Getting old is a pisser too!! Talk soon, Love Myf xxx #postmortem #gettogether #noenergy #botox #gettingold My Dear Myfanwy It’s so good to hear from you. I did wonder for a while that you had dropped off the planet, but then with the horse breath I kinda understand you were incommunicado! So, I didn’t push the issue of a meeting in case I couldn’t’ get too close! Oh Lord so the twat with the hat has risen his head again, what is wrong with men? Do they think they are the only ones to organise a dishwasher, but the little shits are never there to empty it!!! I’d start leaving the stuff on the bench, let him do it. It will save you having to bite your tongue, but a good old killing glare is quite satisfying. Plus of course imagining how you could mutilate the human remains after the said cup was placed up the arse! Sorry, just been reading a book about Post Mortems, it's rather graphic but bloody amazing and it does make you think!!! Now this death stuff, whether natural, murder, accidental, major crashes, people running riot with guns, etc, really has my juices running and I’m starting to imagine all kinds of stuff. Next door have been quiet for days and I was just about to go check out the garden in case well the patio had been dug up or something. But then I heard them drive up and had to make a really quick exit. I mean, how the hell would I explain why I was in their garden! "Oh yeh, just thought I’d drop by as I thought you may have murdered your wife and buried her in the garden." Hahahah - think not! I mustn’t let my imagination run away with me, I’m so overwhelmed I need a lay down. Too much brain activity is so tiring! I’m off, the bed looks inviting. Speak later me old duck! Love and stuff Mor xx #myfandmor #myfanwyandmorwenna #postmortem #deadbodies #nextdoorneighbours Dear Mor You'll be pleased to know that I've finally got rid of the stench of horse shit. It's taken a good week, but finally people are beginning to sit next to me again on the bus. Right, I'm going to have a moan now because the Twat in the Hat is back to his old tricks again. What gives him the right to think the dishwasher is solely his property? I mean, for God's sake Mor, every time I pop something in there he bloody rearranges it. There are no sodding rules that says cups must go here and cutlery must go this way up. So last week I'm putting a cup in and he suddenly rushes into the kitchen like bloody Usain Bolt and as soon as my hand is off the cup he picks it up and moves it! Un-bloody-believable!! Well, you'll be quite proud of me - I kept quite calm, gave him one of my looks and walked out of the kitchen. But I'm telling you Mor, he does that one more time and he's in serious danger of having the cup rammed up his sodding arse! Bloody men!!!! Speak soon, lots of love Myf xxxx #horseshit #smell #dishwasher #menandgadgets Dear Myf Oh God, you poor sod, steaming horse shit is really shit. Did you have straw on your chin? Wish I’d seen that. But hey, I did wonder when I bumped into you last week at the shops you did have a bit of a whif about you. Gotta get that horse breath sorted babe. Oh yeh, got me teeth today so no longer sucking! See ya Mor x #myfandmor #myfanwyandmorwenna #myfanwy #morwenna #horsebreath #horseshit #teeth #sucking Dear Mor For God sake get some bloody teeth – I’m not going out with you until you get some. Must just tell you this – there was this woman riding a horse down our street last week, right hoity toity piece she looked too, but the horse had a massive great shit. I thought that would be so good for me roses so I rushed out with me bucket and shovel but tripped and fell head first into the steaming pile. As if that wasn’t bad enough, this car pulled up and this lovely deep male voice asked if I was alright and started to help me up. My God he was gorgeous but can you imagine how mortified I was when I turned round to look at him with my face covered in steaming bloody horse shit? Why does it always sodding happen to us? Love Myf #myfandmor #myfanwy #morwenna #horseshit #whyus #goodfortheroses Myf you old fart Me and my sucking habits need to be kept secret and well under raps! To be honest I’ve had a hell of a job trying to eat - I’m gumming everything to death! Have you ever tried eating a slice of crusty break with lashings of butter and all you can do it suck it! Dear Lord, the butter was running down my chin and dripping onto my chest, what a state to get into especially when you’re sitting by the window and the bloody window cleaners come. I took a dive under the kitchen table. But then I sodding well seized up and got stuck! Not a pretty sight. Luckily the phone fell on the floor as I went down and I rang the guy next door to haul me out. All he could see as he walked in was my arse in the air. But then me wind became a problem again and as he pulled me out the force of it shot him backwards like a shot out of a gun. He's avoided me ever since! Can’t see why, must have been the big gummy smile that scared the living shit out of him. Off to the dentist. Bye for now, Mor x #suckinghabits #noteeth #gummysmile #wind #windowcleaners Dear Myf Gin … you’re not on the mother's ruin again? Got to tell you this, or maybe I did, can't remember. Last week I went to the bingo as I fancied a little night of excitement and decided to have a little tipple of Gin. Well, actually ended up with several gins, as you do. Bloody hell, I didn’t half show myself up! Nothing new there I can hear you say, but I won - I flaming won and got so excited I lost my bloody false teeth in the glass. There they were - staring at me. A great big cheesy smile and me with all me gums exposed! Well I just left quickly. So quick in fact that I left the bloody things behind. Didn’t have the guts to fish them out and stick them back in with hundreds of people staring at me. Somebody got a nice new pair of teeth! In a rush, must go. Love Mor x #myfanwyandmorwenna #gin #bingo #wonatthebingo #falseteeth #leftinahurry |
Myf & MorTwo mature ladies (using that word loosely) growing old disgracefully and finally realising that the "F**k It" attitude is probably the best one to have. Archives
September 2019
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